Women and their Wiles
So, about two weeks ago, a statement from a session at SXSW was posted on twitter. It went something like this:
“Women: you can use your feminine side to get the job, but you better back it up with brains.”
My eyes started to bleed, I heard a loud whooshing sound, then all went dark.
Damn, I find so much wrong with this statement, it sickens me.
First of all,this statement implies that being intelligent is not feminine, that we can manipulate our way into a job by not being intelligent, but when the chips are down, we better show all our cards. What kind of message does this send? I have seen it time and time again teaching. Young girls hiding their intelligence in order to seem more desirable, cool, “in”. We encourage our girls not to do this, yet we then back it up with our own actions. It is unacceptable.
Furthermore, I think that the statement in and of itself attacks the very idea of equal rights (although Ihat I know of many who would disagree). Some would argue that using our looks or personality ” levels the playing field. “ That playing up these attributes above our intelligence gives us the edge. I disagree. Honestly, I feel the very notion demeaning to both men and women: men in that that is they can be swayed to make important decisions based on this alone, and women that they must play games in order to get the job. In no way am I saying that if you are a beautiful woman, you need to downplay that. In no way am I saying that your personality is not an asset. It is, in fact, an important one. What I find so objectionable is the fact that you have to be anything but yourself. That women feel like they have to play up certain assets and not pay as much attention to others in order to have an edge. That women feel like they have to play games.
I am tired of the games. You may argue that finding a job is a game. Granted. Understood. You have to play to your best assets. But since when is your best asset to a job your looks and personality (as suggested by the feminine side statement). Isn’t your best asset your skill, your smarts, your drive, what you can bring to the job? Why not play those up first? I akin it too those that cry on purpose to get out of a ticket (which grates me to no end). You are playing to a vulnerability or a fantasy or a fear . Why not play to YOU?
Furthermore, I honestly don’t know if the discrepancy exists as much as we would think. I KNOW that there are those out there that play the old boys club. I KNOW that pay discrepancy takes place, that women are discriminated against in the workplace in times of childcare etc, flexible work schedules, etc. But I don’t think that women are discriminated against in getting jobs (specifically tech jobs) because of their gender. I think the very game some women are playing in this area, in fact, may be the problem. These games may promote the discrimination in general. You play up the “feminine” (again I don’t know why feminine does not = smart), and not concentrate on the skill, you shoot yourself in the foot.
I spoke to my husband about this at length. He is in the technical field. I asked him how many women are in technical positions at work. He was honest and said, “not many.” But, he did say it wasn’t for discrimination. It was due to the lack of women applying for the job and lack of the specific skill set that they need. Then I asked, if a woman came to ask them a question, versus a man coming to ask them a question, would they treat them differently. He thought for a moment, and said, tongue in cheek, “No, I treat all stupid questions equally.” Furthermore, he, and those that he works with, respects and honors intelligence, the willingness to learn, skill. Therefore, it is best to share that as much as possible.
One more issue that was brought up in this SXSW session was that women are lacking in the technical field because they are afraid to ask questions in front of men so they don’t look “stupid.” Honestly, I think it is time for women to get over it. The only way we learn, the only way that we can live our passions, that we can better ourselves is by asking questions. B doing the work, asking the questions, learning. Fear is not a part of it. I would much rather hire a person eager to learn, rather than someone who hides their questions, and gets in over their heads.
We need to raise girls to know that they can be feminine and intelligent. These are not exclusive. We need them to know that intelligence and skill does not mean that they are undesirable, that we do not need to fear looking stupid with questions, that questions are in fact necessary to learn. We need them to know that their interests are their own. There is no “male” field and “woman” field. They need to know they don’t need to play games in order to get ahead in this world. They need to stay true to themselves, learn, and share their abilities and talents with the world. And better yet, we need to know that for ourselves.
11 Responses to “Women and their Wiles”
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Speaking of crying to avoid a ticket, you’ll enjoy this one: This woman I met told me with great pride how she was caught speeding and got out of a ticket by telling the officer she was having A Woman’s Problem. She thought this was the greatest and funniest thing she’d ever done.
People in the Sun’s last blog post..My Dodgeball Story
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I get it, but I don’t find it all that offensive, mostly because I have the brains to back it up. I’ve been consistently underestimated for being pretty, and I’m happy to use pretty to get me in the door and then watch their jaws drop when they realize I’m smart too.
I agree with you that this type of thing ought not be posted as a company policy, but my message to my daughter would be to use both brain and body – and make that your personal challenge to a society that usually forces us to pick one or the other. Stereotypes persist, media images reinforce expectations, and we are left to our own devices to find a clear path in between it all.
Glossolaliac’s last blog post..Beautiful bountiful blissful
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I worked as an Electrical Engineer before staying home with my kids, and my experience was that women had to prove themselves to a much greater extent then the men. When I was in school I thought this was just part of the weeding out of students that would never finish and assumed that after graduating things would be level – after all we all held the same degree. However, I found the discrimination worse, especially among the older engineers. I frequently had to let it be known that I was not hired to act as someone’s secretary, while males hired at the same time as me were assigned actual engineering work.
As to your statement that you don’t think woman are discriminated against in getting hired, I would disagree there also. I can not tell you how many interviews I went on that centered around why I would choose engineering, and how my father, brother, uncle, etc MUST be an engineer and created my interest in it. I worked with many men that would never have considered me for my job because I was a woman.
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I love this and agree wholeheartedly. I have also found that when I ask a question when no one seems to have one, or it seems that everyone in the room understood but me, but I ask anyway, that when the answer comes the revelation that there were more people who didn’t know becomes clear. Speak up, be courageous, be confident, and like you said “play to YOU”. We are more than just tits and ass and a pretty face. As a woman, I have no respect for a man or woman who offer this up first…and in the end they have to work three times harder not only to gain my respect, but to make me take them seriously. Great post. I’m sad to hear that this was a message sent to woman at this event. Too sad.
NYCity Mama’s last blog post..Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus ZING! ZANG! ZOOM!
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People in the Sun: Ouch.
Glossalalic: I understand your point. I am not asking people to choose. I am saying that women need not fear the smart. Play to that when getting the job.
Amy: I have worked for an engineering firm when I was going to school for engineering. I know how the older engineers can be. I know that there is still a stereotype that exists out there, particularly with the old boys club of 1960′s educated engineers. But, that being said, I honestly do think that this is changing. I also think that when women play to the “feminine side” (again don’t know why this is exclusive of the smart) that the stereotype is played out, and it makes it harder to break down that barrier and be given the work.
NYCity Mama: Thanks lady! And it is true. I think that if you do offer that up first, then show your smarts after the fact, you do make it harder to be taken seriously. Worst yet, you live to the stereotype and thereby give the stereotype life.
Interesting discussion. Thanks!
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This post got me thinking and led me to write a bit more on my own blog. Good discussion, thanks!
Glossolaliac’s last blog post..Sisterhood of the big fat brains
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Glad my live-Tweeting brought on this great discussion!
It was interesting being in the session you mention as an observer. In chatting back and forth with you, I was coming from a point of understanding that all the women in the room and on the panel came to their own opinions based on what they experienced in life. While there were some that disagreed, many more were in agreement. It wasn’t a great statistical sampling of society as a whole, to be sure.
One thing I did see that I thought I’d share: There was another session that was geared towards women in tech; all women in the room. There were more questions being asked and free flowing discussions after the session in that room as opposed to the other tech sessions I attended. That’s just my straight observation… not an opinion.
Sugar Jones’s last blog post..Getting on the Air – Simplified
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I’m so glad you bring up the point about the statement being demeaning to men. It shouldn’t be a factor, but sadly it is. There’s an old joke about a man looking to hire a secretary or a man courting women for marriage, and the punchline is around which woman he ultimately picks.
Chauvinism is still alive and well, but so are the women who play both sides of the fence whenever they feel they can gain an advantage.
Elliott – 21st Century Dad’s last blog post..Black Bean Salad Recipe
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Excellent post! I wish we weren’t still at a point where this is even a discussion. Having said that, I learned last week that there was also a panel at SXSW about politics — there were several men with serious political credentials on the panel and one woman — Obama Girl. As long as there are people choosing panels that look like that and as long as there are people who made the comment about using our “feminine sides” to get a job, we have a massive uphill battle.
PunditMom’s last blog post..Five Imagined Confessions of Elisabeth Hasselbeck
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While I do believe that there are women who use their “wiles” to get what they want, they certainly aren’t the majority. I also believe that there are lots of men out there who truly only see women as sex objects. I could name a few.
That said, there is some evidence that brains and beauty may go hand in hand. I’ll see if I can find that article and get it to you. Interesting reading.
The Mother’s last blog post..Help! Aliens are Taking over my Living Room!
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I wonder if they left out the gender box on applications if more women would get interviews. I’m in the market, in a general sense, for a job and all I keep hearing from people is ‘don’t tell them you are pregnant’. Perhaps if I just put my first initial on the application, didn’t check the gender box and requested only being contacted through email, I would get more offers. Why can’t I be smart first, then pretty? And why is it wrong of me to try to instil this in my step daughter? You’d think with her mom being a teacher, that she’d be on the ‘smart first, pretty second’ band wagon, but she isn’t and I find that very strange. Sorry, rambled off on a tangent…
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