To Ignore could be Deadly
For the past five days I have been sporting a greenish yellow bruise on my cheek, spreading to my jaw. It is a the result of the dentist pulling on my face during the wisdom teeth extraction I had last week. For the first few days, you really couldn’t notice the bruise, as it was hidden by intense swelling. Since then, it has been visible, a outward reminder that my face had undergone trama at the hands of the oral surgeon. Granted, you might not notice if you gave me a quick glance, particularly if you caught me from the better side. However, if you spent any amount of time looking at me, you would have noticed it quite easily.
During this past week, I must have crossed at least 100 people between a trip to the grocery store, attendance at a preschool play group, class at Tae Kwon Do, going to the park on a very crowded day, and other errands. I have had extended face to face conversations with at least 20 people this week who did not know I had my wisdom teeth out, all while sporting that ugly bruise on my face. Not one of them mentioned the bruise.
Last night, I got to thinking about this. Why? Why did not one of the 100 + people I saw this week stop me? Why did none of the 20 people I spoke to this week mention my bruise? Why did no one ask me if I was alright, if I needed help, if I needed support? Granted, my bruise was not from any violence that I had endured. I really did not want or need the attention from my bruise. But what if something far more sinister than a run in at the oral surgeon had caused my injury?
We spend so little time looking into the faces of those we pass on the street. We write them off as in our way, unimportant to our day, a stranger, a face. Those we do talk to in our various outings, are we afraid of offending someone? Are we simply “minding our own business?”
I argue that in these very instances, though maybe intensely personal or shameful for the person involved, you MUST ask them what happened in a sensitive way. It does not matter if that person is a friend, family member, stranger, acquaintance, child. If you see something suspicious, it is necessary that we engage that person and ask them, “Are you ok? What happened? Do you need help?” To ignore could be deadly. Take the time. Make the connection. This person is a living, breathing soul worthy of our attention. With hope, the injuries might be an accident, but you won’t know without asking. And when we do ask, we might hear a lie, a story, or “mind your own business.” The point is, you tried, you engaged, you acted. If there is a problem, they just might realize it is time to take action on their own. They might just jump at the chance you afforded them, and take your help.
You may just have changed or saved their life.
21 Responses to “To Ignore could be Deadly”
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You make a good point. I think that I would feel very uncomfortable asking a stranger what happened. Although I know I would ask a friend/acquaintance. But now I will think about that a little harder – what is the worst that can happen? I can survive a “mind your business” but my heart would drop if the person needed assistance and I did not extend a hand. Great post.
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You are absolutely right, we need to remove the “mind your own business” message when it comes to signs of potential harm. I know I was always told not to ask what happened. It was considered rude to pry. We need to change that mindset.
followthatdog’s last blog post..Why do I do the things I do.
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Unfortunately, some don’t ask because they feel it would do no good… they see women that are battered as making the choice to stay in that relationship… therefore, in their mind.. doing it to themselves and not wanting it to be noticed… YOU have it right, we should ask… even if they have “chosen” to stay in a harmful relationship, we as human beings have the obligation to ask.. send a reminder that it is NOT ok and that nobody has to tolerate harm like that… glad yours was simply a dental issue, sad that nobody asked….
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As someone who escaped an abusive relationship, I have to whole-heartedly second everything you said here. The step that led to me finally leaving was a coworker who put her hand on my arm in sympathy and said, “You don’t have to live like this. I’ll help you however I can.” One person can make all the difference in the world. Take the chance. Ask. Care.
PsychMamma’s last blog post..What Color Are YOUR Underwear?
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I think it’s more about not wanting to embarrass someone.
“Hey, did you know you have a giant pimple in the middle of your cheek?”
Or maybe they were afraid that the bruise was the result of some less than savory personal situation that they didn’t wish to mention?
The Mother’s last blog post..There Will Be Blood
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This is a great point. I tend to be rather blunt, so I would always ask a friend. Although, I can’t say I would instinctively ask a stranger without feeling as though I was being rude by pointing out a ‘flaw’. With bruises, especially, I will have to pay more attention and ask.
Stephany’s last blog post..Kid Friendly Aruba for your Family Vacation
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For all the connectedness our miraculous tools of online communication provide, they can’t seem to slow down the eroding sense of community in our broader society. You raise a critically important point, and one that, if followed, can quite literally save lives. All we need to do is break out of our bubble of individuality…and ask.
Thanks for doing this. And I hope your bruise heals quickly.
Carmi’s last blog post..Parked by the water
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I would ask an acquaintance, even a mild one, but probably not a stranger unless they showed other signs of distress.
Years ago, I was once woken at 5 a.m. to the sounds of a vicious wife-beating going on outside my apt. complex. The baby was on the woman’s body, the man sat on her legs and was reaching over the baby to punch her in the head. I screamed at him to stop and said I was calling the police. He got up, kicked her, and then went inside. I called her into my place. She insisted I not call the police because it would make him angrier. I offered to let her live with me – or to take her anywhere – she refused. After about an hour, she got up and went back inside the house. She told me she would be “fine”.
I never saw another beating, but moved shortly thereafter. Women leave when they are ready…..but you’ll never know if they are ready unless you offer help. So I will always offer, but I don’t expect. In the meantime, support and caring is all you can give.
Jane’s last blog post..20 Questions & A Prize
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Well, first of all, if anyone you were talking to ever saw 5 minutes of interaction with your climbing bundle of energy 2 year old – they might assume you had been rescuing him from some near death experience and you got kicked in the face. I have seen him on top of the jungle gym. But on a more serious note though in theory I agree, in practicality, a very high percentage of women who get hit would lie about it. Why? Fear, denial, humiliation….it may not make much sense, but it is true. Even so I think we still should try.
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I love this.
I was in a car accident about 15 years ago and walked around with a couple of black eyes and a bruised-up face for about a month. There was one woman who cornered me in the bathroom of a restaurant and counseled me to leave my “abuser,” but most everyone else just stared. You raise such an excellent point. Thank you.
maggie, dammit’s last blog post..Why I’m not much better than an Internet troll (but I’m trying.)
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When I had my wisdom teeth pulled I had bruises on both cheeks that lasted almost 3 months – I guess I have a “stubborn” jaw or something. Since I was in HS at the time, my parents got some very funny looks.
Dijea’s last blog post..Happy Birthday
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I can’t believe not one person asked about it. Did you notice people staring?
I will try and be bolder the next time I come across something like this and not be too scared to ask. It takes a leap of faith on both sides to get involved…
Amy @ The Bitchin’ Wives Club’s last blog post..If You Can Help- Lost and Found In India Could Use Some
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Such a valid point! I am surprised at the number of people who never asked…
Chrissy’s last blog post..Signs
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I was going to say something similar to what Maggie did – Several years ago, I was in a car accident that left me with two black eyes and a forehead that made me look like a Klingon from Star Trek. I’m almost certain that no one asked what happened.
These days, it’s even trickier, with a lot of people having plastic surgery that leaves them bruised or swollen. But I agree with you that it’s important to ask.
Jennifer H’s last blog post..Awake
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I agree that something must be said. My friends don’t have this problem as they are all brutally honest people, yeah me
Great article,
Thanks,
Chuck LaPenta
http://theworkfromhome.biz
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I’m blog hopping via the Ultimate Blog Party. Nice to meet you.
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Thanks to all of you who have shared your stories. Your stories, and reservations have made me think longer and harder about this. Love and peace to you all.
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I have the nosey/rescuing gene coupled with the stupidity/lack of fear gene so I would ask a stranger if she looked in trouble or I got an inkling of distress. But if it was a friend I would probably have just said, “Holy crap what happened to you!?” I’m missing the tactful gene.
Julia
Julia Janzen’s last blog post..Middle class entering the world of homelessness
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Great Post! I totally agree. Party hopping and participating too so stop in for a visit.
Baba’s last blog post..Cool Giveaways
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Great blog, keep up the work. I have just started my own blog and I love checking out others to see what can be done.
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I have to admit, I am amazed that NO ONE asked. Two years ago, I was in a roll-over car accident. The car landed on the left side – thereby giving me baseball sized bruises all down my left arm and leg. I was asked if I ‘was ok’, ‘what had happened’ and even ‘did I need any help’ multiple times.
In fact, I was asked so frequently, I started to prempt the questioning.
I appreciated the concern, but did wonder if many of the questions were curiousity instead of concern – I mean, would I really have shared an abuse story with the checkout lady at the grocery store?
As for friends – I’m glad they asked.
Danielle @ ExtraordinaryMommy’s last blog post..Giveaway! ~Welcome Little One~
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